Chatrône Blames Kalocsa Voters For Downfall, UBK Boycotts Town
dateline Kalocsa, Hrebenisc Province ... Veteran Loirisian parliamentarian Jacques Chatrône missed reelection by 773 votes in the special mid-term elections held in July. When voting returns were examined, it was found that all but two precincts in Kalocsa had gone for his arch-rival Hugo Metrinier, of the SCZj party. Kalocsa, normally a UBK stronghold, had provided the margins Chatrône needed for victory in three previous elections. The districts surrounding Kalocsa and neighboring Pvintrinna are pretty evenly split between SCZj and UBK, with the usual smattering of other parties (Verte-Veritas notably gaining ground over the last decade.)
All the precincts matched their previous voting records within perhaps 15%, except that those within the municipality of Kalocsa itself veered overwhelmingly toward SCZj. Chatrône personally blames the citizens of that city for ending his 28-year hold on power there. "Ils sont cochons!! Ils sont moins'qu' cochons!!" he roared, at last week's UBK party congress. He managed to persuade other UBK legislators from the area to pull funding from Kalocsa-specific appropriations; a political boycott that could prove as serious as a commercial one.
It is entirely possible the voters of Kalocsa have gotten tired of being treated as pigs, even before being labeled so. Chatrône has seemed less and less stable in latter years, with occasional ranting outbursts in Parliament itself. Not that that is unheard of, just that he picked his own constituency as a target perhaps once too often. Mild-spoken Metrinier may have equally strong opinions, but he certainly keeps them to himself.
Marathon Deaths Claimed Due To Malpractice
dateline Michesko ... Michesko's mid-July Marathon par Deux distance competition is a trial even in the best of years. Runners routinely drop out from heatstroke or dehydration part-way through the fifty-two mile course. Most, however, recover within a few days. When this year's casualties included four fatalities, the running community was alarmed.
Their alarm seems justified. CT investigators have seen reports by city medical examiners that one of the race physicians is under investigation for malpractice in a possible wrongful-death suit. Our reporter spoke with a city councilman whose son had a near-death incident during the race -- instead of rehydration treatment, one race physician was slapping adrenaline patches (up to four!) on dropped racers, and urging them back on the course. The man's son knew better than to submit to this, but some runners groggily accepted the "treatment" and hit the road again. Sadly, nine really did hit the road, a short distance away, with four later dying in area hospitals.
More on the situation to come, as the case proceeds from investigation to proscecution.
Reichstadt School Suit To Affect Ethnic Alpárds
dateline Tisujszáburgh ... An ongoing suit involving school administrators in a Reichstadt city has the Alpárds in Tisujszáburgh in a dilemma. Four different Alpárd education accreditation bodies in that city had selected the Richstadtians' innovative Teuvian as a Second Language curriculum; sufficient Loirisian speakers in that Reichstadt school district had desired such a course, that one was developed. With typical Reichstadt thoroughness, the resulting program looked to be widely applicable to any Loirisian speakers wishing to learn Teuvian. Tisujszáburgh educators had not only selected the program, they had also ditched all the previous materials for Teuvian study, and made substantial investments in materials for the new courses.
Now the principal sponsors of that program, some Loirisian-heritage school administrators in Reichstadt, have been involved in an unrelated class-action lawsuit that will put on absolute hold the Hŕromszéki procurement of the program. Even if the suit is settled soon, this year's study of Teuvian in Tisujszáburgh looks like improvisation and scavanged books.
Lawyers Profit From Yom Persecution Relief Overseas
dateline Cerbesti ... JFDY, the Yommany Anti-Persecution Group, has found a law firm willing to aid their suit against lawyers found to have been profiteering in the conduct of Yom relief efforts.
For months after sacking their law firm, Meiler, Chsaldwell, Beckint, and Furtinz, the JFDY has had difficulty getting legal representation.. No law firm, even the few Yom ones, wanted to touch a class-action suit against lawyers. Cash and familiy ties have finally brought in a foreign firm chartered to act in Hŕromszéki courts; Kai, Jurgen, and Voorhies and Partners. Junior Partner Emil Yonuzvet is part-Yom by birth, and speaks reasonably fluent Yommanisch.
JFDY's allegations are that every single legal firm involved in aiding persecuted Yom Scandiawide for the last two decades has skimmed 60% of contributions straight to themselves, then have failed to even attempt to do an effective job at seeking to help overseas Yom. As a result, Yom have continued to languish in foreign jails and have continued to be unjustly persecuted based on ethnic stereotypes.
The group, founded in 1472, had initially seen some gains in fair treatment of Yom, and had succeeded in offering some Yom sanctuary as immigrants to the Hŕromszéki Yom Republic. Since 1500, however, they have brought only 436 outland Yom back to Hŕromszék, and have effected the release or fair representation of only 129 outland Yom in their home nations' criminal justice systems.
Principals of the defendants' law firms in the upcoming suit are said to be in hiding. Spokespersons have stated that "60% is not an unreasonable fee, and was agreed upon from the beginning, nor was success guaranteed." JFDY dom'Baroi Janis Svactivi is quoted as saying "We beg to differ", using considerably more than four words, and lots of colorful but unprintable expressions.
This looks like a long trial in the making.
Environmental Action Commission issues mercury findings
dateline Hlvastice ... The Federal Environmental Action Commission has completed its year-long study on the long-standing problem of mercury in mountain streambeds downstream of former smelting operations. Chairman Josev Miklus stated for CT that their findings were no surprise, but that new details uncovered make the length of the process worthwhile.
Miklus related the experience he and Commission members had of personally excavating sample areas of streambed, under the supervision of HazMat specialists and recovery contractors from Pistrix. "While the headwaters of the Bolnzet River do not appear to have enough mercury to call it a new commercial-grade deposit of the metal, we still had no trouble finding visible traces. My last chemistry class was in University, 32 years ago, but I had no doubt of what I was seeing. The Pistrix contractors were excited at the prospect of helping clean up this and other streams, almost indecently so. We shall be glad of the help, since the problem is widespread."
The Commission report lists 415 separate sites with identifiable levels of mercury contamination. The recovery contractor classified 371 of those as worthy of profitable extraction operations, and offered to handle the others as well, if awarded contracts for the worst sites.
If one reads the report past the rather sensational abstract, one learns that the Hg problem, while severe, is not dire. Thanks to the mercury's density, it has sought crevices and sediments deep under the streambeds, and is not exposed in most cases to flora or fauna, or for that matter Hŕromszéki kayakers or swimmers. The honorable Dr. Miklus and his amateur team spent seven hours of careful excavation within a cofferdam to get to the "readily identifiable samples".
Environmental Department spokesperson Mikaela Ovribudet said now that the report is finalized, the process of drawing up contracts will begin. She said that based on draft versions of the report her department had already begun the tedious process of determining the smelting and mining firms in the vicinity of the contamination, and researching their ownership at the time of mercury release. As usual, the costs of the cleanup must be allocated across the applicable Republics by registry of the offending companies and citizenship of their principals. Another Department staffer opined this could take six or seven years.
The gentlemen from Pistrix are willing to begin recovery operations on a contingency basis as soon as weather permits next spring.
Vlaatic duChene talks about rights of extranationals
dateline Cerbesti ... Magyatic Vice E Prevni Vlaatic duChene addressed the Federal Parliament on his favorite subject -- outland nationals. With great flights of oratory, and even a few facts, duChene held forth for ninety minutes on the relative rights and responsibilities of citizens of other nations, when they venture within Hŕromszék. For the reader who has not listened to the radio or read this paper at all since 1506, we will briefly summarize his views.
duChene and all of Hŕromszék believe that foreign nationals have rights under Hŕromszéki law. duChene and the rest of us believe that law-abiding visitors should be accorded courtesy and dealt with patiently. Where the good Mr. duChene departs from the norm is in suggesting we allot foreigners rights or priviledges above and beyond those belonging to Hŕromszéki citizens. He also believes resident aliens need not abide by our customs and expectations: "They were raised differently from us; why should we expect our extranational brethren to live as we do?"
Indeed, in his magnificent vision of sweetness and light, duChene clearly thinks a stern talking-to is all a non-citizen criminal needs. He has sought release of the brothers Duganson from the results of their short career of extortion and kidnapping, even seeking leniency for them based on their crippled status. Two juries have found their injuries to be but a down-payment on their fair treatment. The appeals court, as a matter of fact (in duChene's home county), even increased the token award of Sk100 given the victim who ended his own kidnapping with a brick wall dropped across the brothers. Since it was that worthy's own wall he had to fell to free himself, reconstruction expenses of some Sk1300 were granted him as an advance on the amounts the Dugansons would be expected to repay him and four others over the next 40 years of their productive restraint.
duChene finds the societal expectation that these low-lifes repay damages, billed and punitive, somehow distasteful. Perhaps he will seek gentle treatment for rabid doberman pinschers next.
duChene did not limit his remarks to the Duganson case. He touched on most of the notable extranational incidents of the last ten years where some bleeding-heart foreign journalist objected to Hŕromszéki expectations of civilized behavior from our visitors. Most such convicted visitors have been made a permanent part of the productive workforce, albeit at difficult tasks, all with the agreement of their own governments. In two cases the Hŕromszéki justice system was informally notified that the "parent government" of certain extranational aprehendees would put them in small dark holes if they were expelled from Hz ... so then where's the pity?
In spite of speeches rendered in such eloquent Magyatic, William and Robert Duganson may expect the titanium wristbands and anklets to remain in place, and may expect their electronic leashes to reliably render them ... repentant, should they stray far from their assigned tasks. Another news journal of the Confederation, which we won't name (unless you phone our office for the scoop), has started a petition to permit Mr. duChene to wear at least one of the restraint bands for the foreigners he's so sorry for. CT hates to aid the circulation of our competitors, but we will note that most of our staff have signed the petition ...
Resident aliens have the same general protections under Hŕromszéki law as the rest of us. They also have the same responsibilities to bear. This is not a CT editorial, it is Hz law.
Nationally Broadcast Concert of Pipes to be audible from low orbit
dateline 114 miles up ... Residents of neighboring counties have always said the Hajel PipeFest can be heard for miles. Now it will be heard by those aboard the International Space Station. Two Station staffers have reserved an uplink channel during the November Concert week, for listening while they work. Only one of the other Station staffers has requested earplugs during that week ...
Heard all over Scandia, and now off of it, Channel 14 will be providing selected coverage (11 hours daily) of the beloved Drones of November. If you don't have a TV, you could try just listening out the window.
Mental Health Researchers Proclaim Cure for Depression
CT Editorial Page ... Researchers at Vescárheley's Open University and the Nyarŕsnyék Hatras Medical School separately announced that they had observed a decline in general symptoms of depression and an increase in what they term "warm, fuzzy feelings of security". In a typically-duplicated set of studies (blind from each other and separately conducted), the researchers found a statistical trend of less bad karma and more good karma (that's CT's shortening of their two-page abstract). "Over the last seven years Hŕromszéki have increasingly felt that all is right in their world. Despite normal stresses of everyday modern life, a general trend is for better mental health. We can only attribute this to the careful ministrations of mental health professionals, and their valuable and cost-effective services."
CT's editors read both studies, so you won't have to. Our impression is that folks are indeed observably pretty happy with life, and the statistics that the researchers quote do point to that. This agrees with our own experience - there's a few less cranky letters to the editor received each week, and CT Managing Editor's brother Neubert calls less often complaining about the world going to pot. But analysis of the same statistics over a long business lunch showed better links to the cause of well-being as being a rise in the quality of take-out food, a lowering in the cost of petrol, and / or the removal of shock-video-show host Merdruder laDretchklin from the airwaves.
If the Mental Health Profession has the cure for depression, we think it's more in
their gas tank than in their expensive per-hour psychoanalysis. Fill up, order out,
and be happy, Hŕromszék.
CRECO delegates on the summit HOW long?
CT Editorial Page ... When our government sent Mr. Tomicek of the Ministry of Finance over to Lycksele for this CRECO Summit, we had no indication that like Mosa he would be on the Summit for forty days. If he didn't have the redoubtable Mme. Sojdrova along, our respected Commando Auditor ("take no deductions. take no prisoners."), we would fear he had been lounging around in the sun on a paid holiday. We look forward to hearing from the renascent organization just what CRECO will do for the average folks around the Cisteuvian.
Personally, we see the primary value in overseas conferences as being the absenting of certain VIPs from their thrones - excuse us; offices. Not a nation anywhere along the Cisteuvian Rim that wouldn't benefit from a little absenteeism among the ruler-types -- CT knows we do. Planning to Summit another 40 days, Mr. Tomicek? Okay by us.
Mayor Declares: No Ransom for Nagy, Trajtler, Brebovszkyné
dateline Ikŕny ... Mayor Jaromir Skopal of Ikŕny declares that he will deal with no kidnappers, terrorists, or extortionists, and that the three city council members kidnapped in March will just have to be mourned by their families, and declared legally dead.
Family members of Franc Trajtler, Olga Nagy, and Jingomir Brebovszkyné decry the Mayor's stance as based not on moral principles but on political infighting. They point to the general trend of the three kidnap-ees to buck Skopal's leadership in city government. Investigators early on cleared Skopal of any direct involvement in the crime.
All three families have pledged to raise ransom sufficient to meet the kidnappers' demands. Neither they nor police will release the amount demanded, but it is said to be upwards of 2.5 Million skana, total. One section of the ransom note was leaked to CT reporter Jules Lamonté. In it, the kidnappers claimed the amount was reasonable, considering UPVP (Skopal's party) had spent more than that buying just one council seat in the past.
Skopal's spluttered reply to this revelation was inaudible on videotape, but CT lipreader analysis makes out words to the effect "we've NEVER paid more than a million for a seat! Never! What idiots!" Skopal's office refused comment on our analysis.
Tomicek addresses CRECO conference in Lycksele
dateline Lycksele ... Finance Minister Josev Tomicek addressed the opening session of the CRECO Revitalization Summit, being held in Lycksele, Vetlanda. He and the other delegates all engaged in a nice round of warm, fuzzy sentiments. It is expected any stiff negotiating will be saved for subsequent sessions.
Tomicek has some tough-minded financial types with him, notably Mme Zdenka Sojdrova, Auditor of the Foreign Affairs Ministry. Sojdrova and her staff are the internal investigators who uncovered the extortion scheme among Foreign Ministry underlings back in 1502. We need not fear we are being well represented, both on the diplomatic and ... confrontational... fronts.
dateline Svätý Juraj ... Janos deBerry, head of deBerry Mines & Minerals, has the kind of problem most of us wish we had. In June, one of his gem miners turned up a huge stone which once processed turned out to be the second-largest star sapphire his firm had ever produced. The problem? Janos:
"We got insurance, y'know? And any hunk of rock bigger than 100 carats, why, I gotta get a rider put on the insurance to cover it, special-like. This is once we turn it from a rough rock to a finished gem, so I got ninety days from when we did the polish-up, at the end of August, to either unload it or insure it. Floyd's wants over a million Sk per hundred carats, and this stinker ain't the kind you see on the Shopping Network - it weighs nine ounces. Right now I got me own insurance on it - six guys with submachine guns watching it and each other. But I really need to market it, and how. This is Crown Jewels stuff, y'know? Only we ain't much on crowns in Hz any more. Kinda big to be puttin' on a tin hat anyways, if you ask me. Anyhow: I figure it's a bargain at Sk 220 million ... already knocked it down six percent. Your readers got any royalty in the family, maybe?"
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